QUESTION: In a previous lecture, about emotional growth and its function, a question was asked as to how to handle very wild emotions at a time when one has not the helper with him. But what does one do if the emotions are so deep-seated and so deeply buried and repressed for such a long time that they simply will not come out to the degree one would like'?

ANSWER: "If you can recognize this fact, it is very important indeed and it indicates substantial progress. Such recognition in itself indicates insight. More frequently a person does not know that further emotions are buried and demand to come out, in spite of resistance. That you are aware of this, certainly means insight and progress. The moment that this insight exists, the way is opened, even if at the moment, you are still unable to do something about it. In the first place, you should really rejoice about this self-recognition, rather than feel bad that you cannot accomplish it entirely in one sweep and pressure yourself into a state of bad conscience. Relax in the knowledge "I know where I stand, I know that something in me still resists," and then you can go about finding out why you resist. Why are you afraid of letting out your emotions to the full extent? Usually you will find one of the reasons is a fear that you will be unable to control yourself, to handle these emotions, and that you are rather forced to give into them. Another reason for resisting is that the full scope of one's repressed emotions is a shock because they are so contrary to one's idealized self. The moment you can sense and acknowledge these factors, you can handle the situation because now you know these reasons to be unreal and not valid. You have now learned, for instance, that you can be aware of emotions without having to act on them. You also know that if lack of control exists, then certainly you have less control when they are repressed and you are unaware of their existence, than with clear awareness and understanding about them. With this knowledge and intent, you have nothing to fear in that direction. As to the fear of discovering you are not your idealized self-image, you also know how to approach this. You have to learn to accept yourself on the basis of your real values which you can only find truly once you take the courageous step of giving up the false values of the idealized self."

QUESTION: I feel the emotions and they are like a stone in the pit of my stomach and I just can't let them out. I know they are there, but it is like a congestion.

"I think it is wonderful that you have this awareness, that you do not repress this insight. This is of extreme value, it is very constructive. It does not matter that it does take a little more time and work. You have nothing to fear. The only cause for worry is to be utterly unaware of these things."

QUESTION: If the conscience is the voice of the Higher Self speaking to us, how do you distinguish between this conscience and, say, guilt feelings?

"In a past lecture, I have discussed two kinds of conscience, but I will gladly answer again, since it was a long time ago that this subject was discussed and, in the meantime, further insight and understanding was gained, so that now, with some new approaches, a deeper understanding can be had at this point.

As I explained at the time, there are two kinds of conscience. There is the conscience of the Higher Self, and there is an artificially constructed, superimposed conscience which derives from the idealized self. The moralizing I discussed is a part of this latter conscience. Whenever you do not live up to the super-standards you impose upon yourself, it may appear as the voice of conscience.

The only way you can distinguish between these two, is by the way you feel about it. There is a very distinct difference as to how you experience the one or the other. Any words I could give you, any rule I could pronounce, would be very misleading. But I can describe the emotional experience as to both.

If it is the voice of the Higher Self, the real conscience, then there will be no destructive hopelessness, despair with oneself, anger at oneself, impatience. There will be no negative feeling. There will be an insight as to one's tendency of childish selfishness or greed or whatever else, but without being' depressed about it. Simultaneously there will be a simple desire to act upon a more mature level, not because one must be perfect, not because of fear not to be, but simply because one wants to. There is no compulsive anxiety about the issue, it is a clear decision without pressure, and it makes you feel thoroughly good, even if it does mean giving up a shortsighted childish advantage; even if it does mean the recognition of undesirable trends in one's character.

On the other hand, when the voice of the idealized self image speaks, many of these negative feelings will be present. You will feel guilty about existing negative trends, while still wanting to have it your way. You will feel fear and anxiety at the thought that you act according to the child in you. This conflict will create more anxiety, more tension and impatience with yourself and others. Should you then decide to carry out the right act, it will make you feel resentful, rather than at peace with yourself. At the same time, the mere fact that you have faults, that you are confused as to the right or wrong course, that you may make a wrong decision and thereby incur criticism or frustration, will plunge you in despair. All this is proof that you have heard the voice of the idealized self image. The answer as to which of the two consciences you are dealing with, can come only if you account for your emotional reactions.

Of course, it is also possible, that both may exist side by side, simultaneously. In this case, the right action should not be stopped because in your self-accounting you have discovered that negative motivations, the moralizing, and the idealized-self happen to want the same thing as the Higher Self. You should go on doing that which is right, but work on the negative aspect until you can free yourself from it through understanding yourself. Do not automatically refrain from a constructive action merely because you have discovered a negative motivation or a destructive impulse which is inverted into a forceful compulsive super-standard."

QUESTION: Why do I feel so exhausted all the time? I have seen doctors and they don't find the answer in any physical reason.

"This condition applies to many people, indeed. One of the general reasons -- and it certainly is the case with you -- is that a great deal of emotions are repressed. Not only destructive emotions which you do not dare to face and acknowledge within yourself, so as to come to terms with them, but you also crush valid and constructive desires, and aims. You do not heed them out of a general fear of disapproval, and a lack of belief in the validity of your aims. You feel that just because you want it, it cannot be valid. The repression of these two sets of emotions consumes a great amount of energy. The energy you thus lose, produces a negation of life. There is a feeling of futility about life; of hopelessness; of fear of coping with life's difficulties. It might be said that the tiredness comes from this, but this would be oversimplification. The chain-reaction goes a little further. In other words, because of repression of negative emotions, as well as of positive goals, a futility, lack of self -confidence and therefore the fear of coping with life's difficulties does exist. The tiredness is a result of it. Also, the futility is a result of the tiredness, the tiredness is a result of the futility - and both are a result of repression. Do you understand?"

QUESTION: Yes. How can I overcome it?

"My dear, there is only one way - and that is an extensive search of self-finding, of self-realization, of facing oneself and thereupon a reconstruction of certain personality traits. This is not an easy way but it is the only way. There is no quick and easy answer.

QUESTION: I have a question about killing anything that is alive. I have a little girl and, naturally, I have taught her that it is bad to kill anything. However, what do you do when there are vermin in the house?

"Well, my dearest friends, I have answered such questions before and I will say it again. This view of not killing something even if it is destructive, like vermin for instance, would be extreme fanaticism, and an utter misunderstanding of truth. There is lower kind of animal life that is destructive and if you would all abide by the rigid rule that nothing must be killed, you would destroy yourselves. You would not kill germs either, for germs too, are life-organisms only to a smaller degree so that you cannot see the life with your ordinary eye. But it is there. Now where does it end? If a small destructive life-organism is maintained because of such a rule, it would eventually destroy the bigger and more important life organism. Thus, by allowing one organism to live due to a rule not to kill, you would kill just the same, although you would not see the act since the procedure is drawn out. Here you have a typical example of how dangerous and fallacious it is to follow rules blindly. By doing so, you end up doing the very thing the rule forbids. This applies to any truth. Truth carried too far unthinkingly necessarily becomes an untruth. Truth is never a rigid rule that can be pursued to the end. It is dynamic and flexible, and therefore always requires the middle road which can only be attained by responsible thinking and evaluating.

Rigid dogma is based on such considerations. That is why out of the living spirit of truth, the life has been extracted and the letter of the law substituted for the life. Because people are too lazy to think and too cowardly to make their own decisions, based on their own evaluations, they want to adhere to a dead ruling, and then they feel good that they have done the right thing. Truth is not that comfortable. It has to be fought for constantly through accounting, thinking, deciding, weighing. It requires a sense of self-responsibility and courage. This applies to everything, so also to the subject you asked about.

Now, I can foresee that another question will come once again. It is: on what level of animal life are we to stop? Where do we know? There are so many considerations, so many factors we ignore. How can we decide which animal life is predominantly destructive and which is predominantly constructive? This also depends on conditions of a particular civilization and upon environmental factors. There is no easy answer here. But again, fanaticism and rigidity will not be the answer. The answer is evolutionary development; The time has not yet arrived when mankind is ready to give up killing higher animal species, but it is not too distant, at least from our point of view. The time will come when mankind will no longer need to eat meat. However, until such time, many other things will first have to change. The next step will be the strict observation of avoiding unnecessary cruelty. This step cannot be skipped by forbidding to eat meat.

Until such time, you can only find within yourself the answer to such questions. Probe yourself. Where do you tend toward rigid fanaticism? Where do you tend to be irresponsible? Every issue demands a different attitude, a new accounting, and a thinking through."

QUESTION: Would you care to elaborate on the distinction between pseudo-euphoric states of elation, and genuine elations. The question has been answered by many authorities, but may we hear what you have to say about it?

"The first and most important measure in order to establish the answer to this question is to ask oneself, what was the motive for wanting such a state of elation. Of course, the first answer will always be "because I wanted to communicate with God. I wanted it in order to develop myself". But do you really develop because you experience this state? Not if it is artificially produced. The only way to distinguish between genuine and pseudo-elation is the honest answer of whether or not an escape from the difficulties of life played a role; of whether there is a desire for pleasure supreme that cannot be attained through healthy means because too much fear and inhibition exist in the soul. A true answer can always, and only, be found if one goes to the roots of oneself and finds these factors.

If there is a particular preoccupation with this subject, this in itself should give rise to suspicion. The predominantly healthy soul will have no particular desire for such euphoric states of elation. His desire rather will be to procure all the pleasure this life contains by making his soul as healthy as possible. He will find God in that way. He will not need, nor want, to skip a full life-experience under the well-sounding pretext that his aim is communion with God. If he wants this, there is a fear in him to meet life full face and he therefore wants to avoid it.

True spiritual states of elation come undesired and unexpected. They follow suit after life has truly been lived, and not avoided. They are very rare indeed. They do not represent a short-cut. They are not the result of avoiding life and still desiring development and progress. Many wish this very impossibility. They think to accomplish it by forcing themselves into states of elation that cannot be genuine.

The person who walks the stony, narrow road of real self-facing will, for the longest time, have no such experience whatsoever. He will not even crave for it. If there is no longing for it, this might indicate a healthy state of mind. Because it then means an acceptance of life and a healthy ability, or at least a confidence and intention that this ability to cope with life will be gained, in all its favorable and unfavorable aspects, and acquiring thereby, also the ability for happiness, love, and pleasure. Super-states of euphoria usually avoid all that. If they are genuine, they come, as I said, only after having tackled life with all its facets.

But, my friends, I may also add that it is possible that such a state is a combination of escape and a real foretaste of genuine spiritual experience. A combination of mixed inner trends may have led to this mixture. But if the genuine element is there at all, it will lead the person only further away from seeking such experience for the sake of unconsciously desiring a short-cut. Quite to the contrary, he will be more determined than ever to give up all inner resistance to face himself to the utmost. He will recognize that his desire for a communion with God existed because he wanted to avoid a communion with himself. Courage and humility to face oneself with all one's limitations will have increased if only a particle of such an experience were real.

I repeat: to the extent that such experience was genuine, to that extent must the subsequent road lead away from such euphoric states. Does that answer your question?"

QUESTION: Yes. But, for instance, in prayer and-in meditation, one gets (at times) such inner peace and inner happiness, a borderline elation.

"Peace, calm, and happiness could not possibly be called a euphoric state of elation. Again, like in the question regarding the two kinds of conscience, one should examine what is felt regarding this peace. One should account for the feeling. In other words, is the peace a result of an unhealthy passivity? Does it contain elements of giving up inner or outer action? - Does it mean you now feel that you do not have to do anything further in order to make a go of life? Such unhealthy passivity is just as much an indication of distortion, as an unhealthy over-activity; haste, pressure, and compulsion. The truth combines activity and passivity in a relaxed way. The knowledge and intent actively to live life does not include inner unrest. It would be healthy peace if the feeling of peace existed while strength gathers and out of this strength the confidence that the person will overcome his obstructions, and live life fully. Then the peace is genuine. If, on the other hand, this peace is a momentary pleasant relaxed feeling, but after it is gone, no strength remains which is constructively used, then the peace was a false one. Real peace and strength, genuinely so, usually follows unpleasant self-recognitions that one has accepted fully."

QUESTION: Isn't lasting improvement also a yardstick?

"Yes. What I said before leads to lasting improvement. Such lasting improvement is bound to come if such an experience strengthens the intent and execution of finding one's obstructions and finally resolving them. To expect lasting improvement simply because the experience was had, is a misunderstanding. The truth is that this experience influences one's actions and attitude to obtain the improvement through one's efforts, courage, and humility. There is a subtle, but important difference in this outlook. In addition, such an experience is almost always the result of serious efforts in the right direction, and these in turn must produce further efforts.

Moreover, it is certainly not easy to judge what constitutes improvement. As you all know, actual change is such a very gradual process that it passes by almost unnoticed and you discover ~ only much later. A quick change in one's personality is rarely to be trusted. On the other hand, it may mean great improvement if you can begin to accept yourself as you are, for this is the basis on which to work. This may be unnoticed by anyone else. Real improvements are often so subtle."

QUESTION: My question has been answered already in part. It has to do with improvement on the path. I mean to ask, does the improvement occur automatically through self-recognition, or is there any value in certain disciplines, that call for resolutions, or of promising oneself not to repeat certain patterns?

"Promising oneself not to repeat certain patterns may be quite risky, because you cannot help these patterns so long as you do not find the reason for them. Once you have found their existence, you have not yet understood their inner (though false) necessity. Yet for you, they are a necessity, a defense. As long as these factors are not thoroughly understood and you have not recognized that the defense is destructive and ineffective, that in fact it brings you the very thing you wish to defend against, such promises to yourself would be useless. If you stop the pattern without the necessary understanding, you would experience extreme anxiety and this, in turn, would produce other destructive patterns. Or, if you continue helplessly in the pattern despite the given promise, you would feel angry at yourself and be discouraged. Or else, you may be in such a conflict about the matter, that you repress knowledge of the repetition. You repeat it in such a subtle way, perhaps in a slightly different way, that you are no longer aware of it and have to make the recognition all over again.

Hence, promises of this sort are not to be advised. However, discipline of a sort is necessary, for instance, that of admonishing yourself to face yourself honestly, again and again, or, in resolving that change takes time and needs a great amount of understanding, or in not letting up on efforts of self-observation and taking account of one's actions and reactions. It also needs discipline in order to be aware whenever the patterns repeat in variations.

The answer to your question is a combination of the discipline in the sense I have indicated, and in allowing oneself to unfold in one's entire nature. Only this can produce growth, and growth cannot be speeded up.

The step that has to be gone through before a destructive pattern can be dispensed with, is the understanding of the inner defense and the need for this defense. As a consequence, will come the mature acceptance of the results of this destructive defense until such time as the psyche is ready to do without it. This is a necessary preliminary. Without it, maturity is impossible. This stage again cannot be shortened. Once you are truly ready to let go of the pattern, you will no longer need promises to yourself. You will not wish to do it, or feel it, or act by it. You will quite naturally grow out of it.

You see, my friends, so often a wrong attitude exists in the hurried approach to one 5 development. This hurry indicates on the one hand, the strong idealized self image: "I must be perfect already". This only fortifies the non-acceptance of yourself as you happen to be now. On the other hand, the hurry also indicates: "As long as I am imperfect, I have to experience imperfect situations, unfulfillment, and frustration. Therefore, I must become perfect in a hurry, so as to be perfectly happy." This includes the very childish attitude we have discussed frequently, that the child cannot accept life as it really is. It wants heaven on earth. It is true, that in such a stage you have evolved from the state of demanding happiness from life and others, resenting it when not given to you, and disclaiming any responsibility for your wants. You have realized at this point that you are the master of your fate. But you then still do not accept, that life has to be taken as an imperfect business. The ability to derive happiness out of it; even though it is not perfect, to accept yourself as average, is the greatest sign of growth and maturity.

In a private session some time ago, I said to one of my friends, and I repeat it here publicly: you have heard many aspects of what constitutes maturity and immaturity. One of the great milestones on the road to maturity is the ability to give up being special, being grandiose, but to accept yourself as being average, and as such, also living an average life. If you can derive happiness out of the ordinary, and out of being ordinary, then you have truly come a far way. If you do accept yourself and life in that way, you will no longer have to whip yourself into perfection. You will no longer need heaven on earth. You will thus view your own progress with equanimity. You will no longer feel any frustration or unhappiness as a disaster. You will therefore give yourself time to grow. It goes without saying that if the compulsion to be happy and perfect is eliminated, you will be much happier and more perfect than you were before. Thus you will approach your progress in the right combination of discipline, not as far as perfect action is concerned, but as to giving up the resistance to face what is usually right in front of you, and yet hardest to see. You may be quite determined to find yourself, but you expect some deep important insights of devastating impact, while the little ordinary things that reveal so much about your problems, are right in front of your eyes, but you do not see them. For that you need the discipline - to see what is right there, and to want to see it."

QUESTION: Isn't prayer a kind of discipline to keep oneself in a certain chosen direction?

"Yes. Prayer is a good way not to give up one's efforts in the right direction."

QUESTION: How does a person go about regrowing into an emotional feeling about God? And I am not speaking about the God of religion, but about the God that is. I know that the motives are important. I may want to worship God, which is probably not existent in me. Or I may want it for the idea of getting something, which is in me. Or I may want it for an intellectual comprehension. I think there might somewhat be the need for a father. Now those are my motives. I have a few ideas as to where I can get this sense of God. I tried it through my work, from books. Now what do I do, where do I go in order to develop this feeling for God?

"As for the motives you cited, they are true, but by no means all. The last one you mentioned is a much stronger factor than you realize and contains many aspects that you still ignore. Moreover, you may not like to hear, at all, that you do not only have negative motives of which you seem so proud, but there is also a very healthy motive, a real spiritual need which you disregard and do not even want to recognize. But for the moment, the motives are of secondary importance. It is fine that you can enumerate some of them, but it does not matter at this point.

For the moment, the first consideration is to find out how you attain this inner experience, what to do, where to go. And there is only one way. It is to attain selfhood. You cannot have a genuine God-experience, and trust and believe in God if you do not trust and believe in yourself. To the degree that you do so you will not only trust other people, but you will also trust God. So my advice is, do not search for God in churches or temples. Do not search for Him by knowledge, books, or teachings. Search for Him in yourself and God will reveal Himself. God is in you. Trust, faith, love, truth, all these exist in you. And no outer knowledge provides you with a genuine God-experience; and, for that matter, you would not even really accept it. If you would, it would happen out of unhealthy motives, just as much as the opposite. Learn first to trust yourself, in spite of the many reasons you think you cannot or should not. This path in itself must eventually give you a very healthy trust in yourself. And that is all you need in order to find God.

There are so many people who cling to God just because they do not trust themselves. This is the wrong faith, the wrong approach. And, this kind of faith is truly built on sand. This is the false religion that leads to obedience and fear. It is so destructive. It strengthens the weakness instead of the strength. So that kind of religion you should not even try to get. And mind you, it is not only found in the more known religious denominations. It can also be found in individuals who are not affiliated with any religion. It is a subtle and pervasive poison."

QUESTION: I have noticed that when I confess my faults to another, it seems to give them relief and helps them face themselves. Would you care to comment on this?

"Yes, this is very true. It is very obvious why this is so. You see, in one's aloneness and separateness, deep down in his emotions, although he knows differently in his mind, man feels that he is the only one who has all these weaknesses and faults. He feels himself ostracized, different, separate - and therefore it is, of course, a great relief actually to be confronted by a human being who has the strength to face and pronounce similar weaknesses, faults, or limitations. That gives courage and makes it so much easier to face the self, while the irrational and unconscious belief that he is the only one, only leads to further repression.

* * *

My dearest friends, be blessed each one of you. May these answers help again to bring you a step forward into the right direction. May only a small grain have taken a root in yourselves. May it help you to absorb all the material you have received, even though some of it will be realized only much later, but the grain may take root in you now. Persevere, my friends, and you will grow into human beings who can love, respect and like yourselves while you are still human, ordinary - and thus enjoy life without feeling that you have to be perfect. This will not lead you into the opposite wrong extreme of laziness and without the desire to change and grow. Soon, you will perhaps sense the difference in inner motivation between the urge for development because you use a whip on yourself while feeling that you do not deserve happiness but rather punishment while imperfect, and the urge for development because you freely wish it. Be blessed, all of you and your dear ones. Be in peace. Be in God."

The Guide
by Eva Pierrakos Oct. 27, 1961
from Lecture #91 Q & A

© Copyright 1961 by The Pathwork Foundation