Self-Fulfillment Through Self-Realization As Man Or Woman

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings, my dearest friends. God bless all of you. Blessed be this hour.

To fulfill one's life, one must fulfill one's self. Self-fulfillment, or self-realization, happens on many levels and in many different respects. In order to fulfill oneself, one needs to find one's primary vocation and develop it, grow in and through it, cultivate it fully. In order to fulfill oneself, one needs to find and develop all one's potentials -- one's individual assets, as well as all the general human ones with which every human being is fundamentally endowed. Such a process requires building up and integrating into the rest of the personality the elements free from obstructions. In order to do all that, it is essential to find and eliminate the obstructions and the destructive currents. All this, as you know, means self-fulfillment. He who fulfills himself contributes something to life. He enriches it, not merely by his vocational abilities, but through his fruitful human contacts. Through self-development barriers fall; fear of others, and of oneself in connection with others, vanishes, and therefore true relatedness becomes possible.

Self-fulfillment also means something much more specific. Humanity consists of men and women. A human being cannot fulfill himself if he or she does not fulfill his manhood or womanhood. This must be the primary aim on which everything else hinges, either directly or indirectly. Tonight let us discuss this aspect a little more in detail.

These lectures are predominantly destined for my friends who follow this path of intensive self-development. The lectures affect inner areas which are not accessible unless a path such as this is taken. Hence, on hearing these words, many of my friends feel an inner echo and an understanding which gets beyond a mere intellectual and theoretical grasp of the subject. Sometimes this understanding comes only a bit later, when the necessary layers of consciousness have become free to take in the material. However, all those who work on the path can, sooner or later, make use of these lectures in an entirely different way than those friends who merely listen and read without doing the personal work. This difference is distinct and real, but can be ascertained only when you have both kinds of understanding. When the inner experience of truth is lacking because self-development in its vital form is not practiced, these lectures may either be merely interesting, self-evident material, or far-fetched theory. Being affected deep within your being will enable you to further transcend yourself, to understand your problems in a more profound way. Self-exploration makes forever new layers of your psyche accessible to your awareness. The lectures are directly aimed at the layers, which become free to receive them.

Any path of self-realization must bring out one's attitude toward one's own manhood or womanhood and also one's approach and attitude to the opposite sex. When the person wants to skirt around this issue, he takes many divergent paths, hoping to avoid the issue because it is so unpleasant to look at. The most obvious signs, coming forth from the psyche, are disregarded. The greater the resistance to openly face a problem, the more important it is to do so. You all know that.

Considerable work has been done in this respect in your private sessions and we have discussed this topic repeatedly in previous lectures from various angles. But it is important to discuss this topic again.

You all know the common fact that all human beings possess both masculine and feminine traits. But there is still much confusion regarding this topic even among my friends, and obviously with most human beings. There are some whose conscious concepts are quite reasonable and truthful, but unconsciously almost all human beings harbor distorted ideas on this subject. These distorted concepts create fear of the other sex, and fear of one's own proper functioning in the sex one is born in. Such fears are, quite naturally, a barrier preventing relatedness to the opposite sex. Yet such relatedness is one of the important aspects of self-fulfillment. Relating to other human beings is always a gauge to one's own inner freedom and integration. Since the relationship between the sexes is the most intense form of human communication, it is more influenced by inner conflict and strife than any other.

Where you find a barrier to the opposite sex, a similar barrier must first exist within yourself towards your own sex. When a man fights against his own masculinity and is confused about it, he creates a barrier, and therefore he must fight against woman. The same applies, of course, to woman. Age-old misconceptions, handed down from one generation to the next, have a tragic influence on mankind, particularly in this respect. Consciously or unconsciously, people reverse the facts into exact opposites: that which is healthy, constructive, and good appears undesirable, and the opposite appears desirable. Hence their attitude is distorted, and the resulting unrealistic reflexes affect their entire value system. To be more specific, if the drive toward union is, a priori, experienced as something wrong, it is inevitable that the healthy striving of the soul will be discouraged; one will be confused about it; will feel the isolating, separating tendencies as more constructive or mature. Hence one fears all natural impulses toward union. One fears the self which produces them and, as a protection, one creates a barrier to the opposite sex. This fear not only separates man from woman, but it splits the great cosmic force of union itself into affection and the procreative urge. When human beings experience, however unconsciously, the sex force as something wrong, they must fear their own sex, fear themselves as men or women. They must distrust themselves in this respect. Constantly holding themselves in check, they can never afford to be free and spontaneous. How can true overall growth take place with an attitude of inner timidity and lack of freedom? How can the spirit surge forward in harmony with the cosmic flow? How can an entity learn the all-encompassing love which knows no barriers?

The universe strives toward union in every possible respect. All the forces of nature, all the forces within the human being, reach out toward union, on all levels of being. Where there is error and blindness, fear must arise and, consequently, the universal flow must be stopped, evolution halted.

In a tragic human conflict human beings desperately yearn for their fulfillment with their counterparts as men and women and, often equally desperately, flee from it in unreasonable fear. This fear is needless, and without it the tragic conflict would not exist. Nature constantly shows that the happiness of self-fulfillment is a part of life, which cannot be denied, should not be squashed. But humanity, in its blindness and false modesty, does not understand. It misinterprets this benign voice that invites it to a blissful destiny, and often ascribes this voice to "the devil's temptation." As long as humanity cannot discriminate between what is constructive and what is destructive, it must be caught in a tragic and unnecessary conflict that obstructs self-realization.

Life speaks so clearly and man, steeped in and impregnated with false concepts, does not hear or see. For example, my friends on the path again and again experience that wherever a real insight, a deep recognition is made, a surge of new strength and energy, joy of life, hopefulness, and brightness come forth. And also, specifically, the erotic element manifests in this experience of the life force. The erotic force is an integral part of the life force. They are inseparable. So whenever you gain a truth about yourself, a channel opens within turning you into this life-giving force. Only when misgivings and apprehension, the old, as yet unresolved problems, gain an upper hand again, does this channel close up and you are again separate. Stagnation, gray hopelessness set in. But when you move in truth, when you keep on being alive by facing the truth about yourself, to that degree must you be enveloped and permeated with this vibrant, life-giving force which knows no barriers and no fear.

When you ponder over this phenomenon, that anyone on the path can experience, you must come to the realization that what is said here is truth. Truth brings eros, and eros brings union, and all of these forces make fear and distrust and insecurity disappear. Such experience shows the unity of life and it proves the untruth of concepts which have bred separateness. If you truly meditate on this topic, you will, for yourself personally, see some very significant factors.

The world harbors many untruthful ideas about what is specifically masculine and feminine, thus making it more difficult to overcome the basic fear to transcend oneself in the other sex. Each sex feels unfairly put upon and resents its supposed disadvantages, competing with the other sex for its advantages. Hence men secretly envy women for their privileged position of not having to fight to quite the same degree as they do in order to survive. Man's responsibilities are heavier. His failure to be successful is much more indicative of his personal failure. More is expected of him. Women envy men their privileged position of greater freedom, of being recognized by the world as the superior sex. But these envies and resentments are superficial in comparison with the deeper fear both men and women have of losing their own selves.

Many distinctions between the sexes are arbitrary and unreal. Some, of course, are also true. These are wholeheartedly embraced by the healthy person. The more they are embraced, the less is the barrier between the self and one's sexual role -- consequently the greater is the union with the opposite sex. Lack of anxiety and distrust, removal of barriers, sets a healthy flow in motion which induces the entity to come out of itself and be capable of true relatedness. Then distinctions and differences disappear. In rare moments of bliss, this can be experienced right in this life on earth. The disappearance of distinction is not to be confused with its distortion, where men become feminine and women masculine. Every divine truth can be distorted. You all know that. So it is here. Fear of one's own sex, and therefore of the opposite sex, levels off the difference through diminishing masculinity and femininity and assuming the traits of the very sex one fights against. But by embracing one's own second nature, and thereby embracing the other sex, one becomes more masculine, or more feminine, unifies through acceptance, understanding, strength, love, truth.

Let us briefly recapitulate what was said previously in different contexts. A main barrier man puts up against his masculinity is the fear of losing himself. He fears self-loss when he accepts the necessary discipline of fulfilling his responsibilities. Such discipline seems to him a disadvantage and a sacrifice, and therefore a loss of self. But he also fears letting go of himself in a full relationship. In this sense, discipline needs to be given up, and such giving up seems perilous. Therefore he is confused by having to choose between discipline and the ability to let go of himself. In fear and misconceptions, he uses both in the wrong way. He holds on where letting go would be productive and harmonious, and he refuses discipline and self-responsibility where this would be functional for his self-realization. If one is out of kilter, the entire inner balance must be upset. To the degree man learns to be responsible for himself, in the true and deeper sense of the word, to that degree must his fear of letting go of himself disappear, so that letting go of himself and disciplining himself both function in a unifying way. The person who is isolated behind barriers also practices both the inner letting go and the holding on, but in reverse.

The same applies to woman, but from a different angle. Woman fears the apparent helplessness of giving herself up, of surrendering herself. Thereby she defeats her femininity, and in the end becomes more helpless and dependent. The more control she exerts, the more false discipline does she use in order to prevent the dreaded self-loss, the weaker and the more dependent does she become on other levels of her personality. She becomes either emotionally dependent in the need of being excessively loved and approved of, mentally dependent in order to excel over others, or even physically and materially dependent. Her resourcefulness as a human being suffers to the degree that she defeats and discourages the functioning of her femininity. So she, too, fluctuates between discipline and letting go of herself, using both in the wrong way, to prohibit self-fulfillment. When man refuses self-responsibility, not only in his vocational or everyday life but more specifically in his emotional life, out of fear of a burden, he burdens himself more. At the same time, he also isolates himself from all that his spirit yearns for. And when woman refuses the apparent helplessness of self-surrender by exerting an artificial and unhealthy control, she becomes even more helpless; she also isolates herself and forfeits her destiny. For such is the spiritual law.

In a healthy state, the two primary aspects of discipline and of letting go -- they might well be termed the prototypes of masculine and feminine aspects -- exist in both sexes, but are arrived at from opposite ends. When man accepts his full responsibility on all levels of his being, with all that this entails, he can then let go of himself without danger. When woman does not, in fear, pride, and selfwill, fight her destiny, she must gain the strength and selfhood which give her full security in herself. She finds herself by losing herself. He loses himself by finding himself. And they are both the same.

When wisdom, truth, strength, freedom, and love lead to discipline and to letting go of oneself, the result is unity and self-fulfillment. Harmony is established with the universal forces, and a continuous supply of the life force regenerates and unifies all personality levels. When discipline and letting go of oneself come from blindness, weakness, fear, lack of inner freedom, and error, the result must be separateness and stagnation.

The two principles of discipline and letting go might be visualized as primary cosmic forces motivating the human entity. All depends on the manner in which they are used. The disharmony created by misusing these forces simultaneously brings about unrest and inner worry. For the deep knowledge that the soul cannot fulfill itself to its maximum potential, and is missing out on the happiness available to all beings, can never be entirely squelched. It is only a question of understandings the inner messages.

These words are, of course, very theoretical and abstract. Just reading or hearing them merely opens a philosophical concept. But when you are seriously engaged in the pathwork, you will fill in the gaps by deep personal experience. You will see how these words apply to you: in what way and why. Many of my friends have already made very important recognitions in this respect.

These masculine and feminine principles -- discipline and strength versus self-surrender and letting go of the self -- meet and become one in the last analysis. Each principle goes over into the other and helps the other to integrate more fully and harmoniously with itself. Through healthy strength, flexible discipline, and mature self-responsibility the entity becomes strong enough not to fear self-surrender and wise enough not to surrender indiscriminately. Through healthy, relaxed openness and outgoingness the personality finds the strength and the discipline to live productively in union. The capacity to do so comes from living self-sufficiently as an individual.

This benign circle of interflowing movement between the masculine and feminine principles has to start by determining where your specific fears exist. This is not always easy, for they are so hidden. They manifest so subtly -- and yet so distinctly once you begin to be aware of them. Try to ascertain to what extent and in what respect you fear and resent the role of your own sex, and therefore avoid contact with the opposite sex. Where do you believe are the "injustices" you unconsciously exaggerate in order to hold yourself, so as not to risk the "danger" of self-forgetfulness. This is a much more fundamental aspect of this problem than the more superficial rebellion against sexual injustice. Try to reach the level of awareness where a much deeper fear of losing yourself exists. Once you are aware of it, you can truly examine and overcome this obstructing fear, which divides you within.

You may well argue that it is justified to be on guard. Are not many people out to take advantage of one's love, or one's need to love and be loved? Does self-forgetfulness not create stronger needs, which may then be frustrated? Does this not mean more intense pain when rejection occurs? The answer to the first question is yes. It is true that many people are childishly selfish and abuse openness and outgoingness if the latter is blind and is accompanied by wishful thinking. The answer to the other two questions is no. Healthy involvement does not bring more pain than isolation. Fulfilling one's needs only partially does not make them more stringent than when they are denied altogether.

However, you have a never failing key which, when used, will do away with the conflict. It is possible to use a cautious wisdom and not hold on to yourself, restraining your best qualities and outgoing forces. Once you have found and used this key, your life must change drastically. The key is the willingness to see reality even if you do not welcome it.

In the last lecture we discussed the topic of needs. Now we continue from there, linking the two topics. If you are unaware of the intensity of your needs because you have displaced them, your blindness must make you equally blind to other people around you who are supposed to fulfill your needs. To use this key is very much within the realm of the possible. Becoming aware of your needs, their original direction and force, directly leads you to an awareness of how much others are capable or willing to fulfill them. If you can face these facts and stand the frustration of your will, wisdom and perception of truth become your guiding lights. They will show you how reasonable and productive it is in any given instance to have expectations, and therefore to let go of yourself. There are basically four aspects that you, and most human beings, blindly fight against. The four aspects are: 1) the lack of awareness of their real and specific needs; 2) the extent and urgency of such needs; 3) the frequent lack of awareness of who, specifically, is supposed to fulfill the needs, and often in what particular way (all original desires having been displaced); 4) the ability or inability, willingness or unwillingness of the other person to satisfy the full extent of this need. Therefore your relationships become fraught with friction, with misunderstanding, with hurts, with real or imagined rejection. The conflict must lead to withdrawal in one form or another. But if you are aware of these four aspects only to some degree, you become instantly capable of evaluating the interaction between yourself and the others in question. The intensity of the need may not diminish automatically, but it becomes bearable to the degree of your awareness of it. As it becomes bearable, you no longer need illusion and wishful thinking. You can look the truth in the face and accept what is at present, no matter how imperfect, how far from what you wish it may be. Your blind needs issue unconscious demands, which are often quite impossible to fulfill. The moment you are aware, you can also envisage that someone else may be personally unsuited for filling your need. You may then relinquish your demands. As you no longer displace your needs, you will mature sufficiently to stand frustration, if need be. Discipline and the self-responsibility of facing the reality of the situation makes you grow and inevitably increases your self-respect, self-liking, and a sense of security in yourself.

Apart from the frequent unreasonableness of unconscious excessive demands on your part, it may also happen that your demands are in themselves quite reasonable, but others may be driven into a different direction and may be incapable of fulfilling them. This does not mean that they reject you. Once you gain insight into these interplays, the freedom you will have gained cannot be measured in words. Your ability to observe yourself, and consequently others, in a spirit of objective detachment, ascertaining trouble spots without guilt or anger, is the healthiest way conceivable of practicing discipline and self-responsibility. This way you can face the reality of the relationship in question and therefore fear will vanish. If you can accept a No without becoming an angry or hurt child within yourself, then your independence and self-respect will consistently grow, and will give you sufficient security to truly let go to the extent commensurate with the occasion, and to the extent that is healthy at any given phase of your life. The limits of letting go are in this case not set by mechanisms of fear and distrust, but are simply one's present potentials. If you can stand the frustration of your will and relinquish it if need be, if you can face what is, rather than close your eyes in wishful thinking because you do not wish to give up your will, and if you objectively evaluate the unreasonableness of your demands, then the flow of true relatedness will open within you.

So, my friends, let us briefly recapitulate: self-fulfillment is dependent on fulfilling yourself as man or woman. Manhood and womanhood can only be fulfilled when you recognize your barriers and your fears regarding the full functioning of your manhood or womanhood. Once you have made this recognition, the barrier to the other sex must go. To accomplish this, determine and experience the extent of your fear, of your holding back; both are a result of blindness and of the unwillingness to objectively evaluate others and yourself. Even those of you who are most actively engaged in this pathwork and have made most remarkable progress, are as yet utterly unaware of the strength of unreasonable demands and commands that you issue into your surroundings. It is all so easily rationalized, covered up, and explained away. If you can only look at the raw demands you send out into your surroundings, if you can just face that, my friends, you will no longer fear the demands that others make on you. Because only when you have faced your demands can you cope with the demands of others. If you can then take these raw demands with a little laughter at your childishness, you can begin to evaluate the situation in relation to reason, justice, fairness. This little laughter will indicate a large step forward. This step directly leads to freedom from fear, distrust, insecurity, isolation, separateness, and stagnation. It must open the door to full relating and living, to the immeasurable happiness that every individual human soul desperately years for,

I cannot emphasize strongly enough that you look at your demands without excuse, thereupon you will be able to encounter the demands of others. Do you not know that your unconscious excessive demands make you prone to the unconscious excessive demands of others? And these two forces make real relatedness absolutely impossible. For, as long as excessive one-sided demands exist due to lack of awareness of one's needs, disappointment and fear must create a barrier of separateness. Follow through this sequence, my dearest friends.

Are there any questions?

QUESTION: The demands are so hard to find. We all know that we have them, and yet it is very hard to find what they are.

ANSWER: It is really not as hard as you think, if you approach it in the following way. Whenever there is friction between yourself and others, look at your naked feelings and ask yourself what do you expect of the other; what would you want, or what do you fear that they demand from you? If you look at confused, disturbed, disharmonious feelings, you must dare to be irrational and have the courage to let the unreasonable child manifest on the surface. To the extent you can do so, you must gain information about your innermost self, unadorned by superimposed rationalizations. In this way, you will find your demands and will be able to, subsequently, come to terms with them. Face your anger that your demands often remain unfulfilled. Also face your apprehension of other people's demands on you, which you vaguely feel as a stream coming to you. The more you realize your demands, the better you can cope with those silent, subtle currents of demands flowing to you, and which have made you in the past compulsive, guilty, confused, and wavering.

A disharmonious mood will so often yield unconscious needs and demands, either yours or those of others, that you cannot cope with. Sometimes both are present. It is impossible to cope with something you consciously ignore, feeling it only as a dull, vague force. The minute you can pinpoint in clear-cut terms what you did not dare to acknowledge previously, because it was uncomfortable or beneath your dignity, you become strong and capable. The procedure is simple, provided you take the daring step to own up to unreasonable feelings, requests, unfair demands, childish selfishness. Let the irrational voice, which exists even in the most reasonably contained personality, reach your surface awareness. View it with a little distance, detachment, and a maximum of honesty. You are all so indoctrinated with a compulsion to cover up this little voice. Relatedness, the true flow of union, is determined directly by this chain reaction: facing the selfish, greedy child within you brings liberation, dignity, and strength. These, in turn, establish relatedness in the most satisfying way. In this way, you truly become men and women, fulfilling the destiny of your sex.

The aspects discussed here tonight appear to be far apart from one another. On the one hand, I discussed self-fulfillment in a cosmic sense, on the other I speak about the immediacy of the selfish child, dwelling to some extent in all individuals. But these two aspects of human life are so interwoven, so interconnected! This little unadorned child can only begin to grow out of itself and into its spiritual potentials when you are ready to face it. When you can risk yourself, you will no longer have to hold on to the pseudo safety of isolation. However, you cannot risk of yourself if you cannot trust others. How can you trust others if you do not know what they ask of you, and what you ask of them? And how can you trust yourself if you persist in blinding yourself to your real needs, your demands, to the childish voice requesting angrily and endlessly? Only when you know this aspect of yourself can you trust yourself. Only when you perceive reality around you and in others, at least as far as your needs are concerned, can you come to terms with it, and trust your ability to do so. When you are capable of enduring frustration of your will with equanimity and harmony, you can indeed trust life, and therefore you can relate, and therefore fulfill yourself. What is more, you are then equipped to find the partner you need because your eyes are open. You do not keep them deliberately shut because you prefer to cling to a rosy illusion due to your unwillingness to stand frustration. So, my friends, look at this chain reaction. It must work in that order.

It will be useful if my friends participate more actively in the discussions following the lectures. Real participation would be of great help, which you do not utilize. This is to your detriment. Even if you have not reached these specific levels of awareness in your private work, it is possible to study the lectures and determine where you are confused, in what respect you remain unresponsive. Determining this will prove very revealing to your immediate problems. When you come with the question of what you do not really understand and why, the answer may help to open the way. Even if there is no personal inner response to something said in a lecture, that should not in the least deter you from participation; quite to the contrary, it will furnish material for participation.

Now, my dearest friends, study, meditate, and try to assimilate in your work the material given to you. If you can only experience these words to some extent, it truly means a new life. It also means the inner understanding of self-fulfillment. For only then can you contribute to life in the true sense of the word. Man can contribute to life by his works, but this will leave something to be desired. Some spark of aliveness must be missing if the self is not fulfilled. For self-fulfillment is indeed the life-flow without which all deeds, all actions, and all contributions to living remain somewhat stale.

Be blessed, everyone of you. Receive our love and strength from the universal forces which are all around you and deep within yourself, ready to help you if you but tap this source through such a path. Be in peace, be in God.

The Guide
by Eva Pierrakos
February 7, 1964

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